Jokes and Word Play The Lighter Side of English

Knock, knock.Whos there?Grammar.Grammar who?Grammar crackers. Gather the kids and suspend your long-preserved maturity: were about to visit the lighter side of the English language. A boy answers the phone. The caller asks, Where are your parents?They aint here!Come on, son. Wheres your grammar?My gramma aint here neither. Shes gone to church!If cant is the contraction for cannot, what is dont short for?  DoughnutWhat does a grammarian call Santas helpers?Subordinate ClausesUse the word hyphenated in a sentence.  There used to be a space between these two words, but there isnt anymore because the hyphen ate it.I dont know a lot about grammar. For example, I get mixed up on lay and lie. The other day, one of my old hens cackled, and I didnt know whether she had laid or lied.(Loyal Jones and Billy Edd Wheeler, More Laughter in Appalachia. August House, 1995)Is there a word in English that uses all the vowels including y?Unquestionably!I am is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language. The longest is I do.A pregnant woman went into labor and began to yell, Couldnt! Wouldnt! Shouldnt! Didnt! Cant!She was having contractions.(Garrison Keillor, A Pr airie Home Companion, February 3, 2007What kind of word would you invite to a fancy tea party?A proper noun.What word allows you to take away two letters and get one in return?  Alone.Whats the longest word in the English language?Smiles: theres a mile between the first and last letters.Or post office: it has the most letters.Or maybe rubber: it stretches.Teacher: Can someone give me a sentence starting with I?Student: I is--Teacher: No. Always say, I am.Student: All right, if you say so. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.In one of his radio programs, comedian Jack Benny and his guest star Vincent Price were drinking some freshly brewed coffee. After savoring a sip, Benny announced, This is the better coffee I ever tasted.Price snapped, You mean the best coffee!Benny snapped back, Theres only two of us drinking it!(Ken Tucker, Kissing Bill OReilly, Roasting Miss Piggy: 100 Things to Love and Hate About TV. Macmillan, 2005)Which two letters of the alphabet mean nothing?  MT.S t. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates watching an assistant check in new arrivals. The assistant had a roster and was calling out names as the spirits lined up.James Robertson, he read off, and a fellow said, Im him. Then he read William Bumgarner, and another fellow said, Thats me. Then he read, Gladys Humphreys, and a woman answered, I am she.St. Peter leaned over and whispered to his assistant, Another damn schoolteacher.(Loyal Jones and Billy Edd Wheeler, Curing the Cross-Eyed Mule: Appalachian Mountain Humor. August House, 1989)